Her words....they tore me apart, and I didn't know what to say. I tried to convince her that she was still...her. God, why? I don't know...listening to her words, and hearing Seph's words, the weariness of it all washed over me, and sleep overcame me...and I woke feeling horrible, right from the start.

Eesha sent me a bird almost immediately, and he cheered me with his clownish charm. But I didn't tell him what was bothering me, and I resorted to a brief training on Kilican beach. Then all the while, I was exchanging birds with Sephy...and it hurt me even more that he basically holds the same view as sis. Why? The two people I love most...hurting me so much....I dunno what to do.

Sis said one thing to me, that really pierced my heart....she said that there had been a time when I'd have died before I left Sephy.....and that made me realise how I must be coming across to everyone. Please, I love him, please....but no-one seems to believe me now. Why...why...

It's killing me inside.

I managed to talk to Eesha today - actually, I'm still talking to him. It brings back all the happy memories, and I know why. He was my first friend here, the first person I ever actually talked with, and my great mentor. The man who inspired me to become a 'chantress in the first place. I love that guy - a great, charming friend, though, err...he corrupts young initiates! So new arrivals of Valorn, beware...

I responded to a raid today, for the second time in quite a while. The first time I couldn't touch the creatures (zombies) that were bothering the mayor, so had to wait for a few others to take care of them. Today, though, I only caught a glimpse of the creatures, when they were corpses. So much for being able to port...and what's more, I responded with my mug of lemonade. It was very embarrassing, but hopefully no-one noticed!

I haven't been able to talk to Sephy in a while. Seems the gods really don't want us to get together, if only for a while...oh well, I guess that's life. And I'm not leaving without spending a great deal of time with him. And Valorn's still a bit charming for me. I dunno when I'm going to go, yet...but hopefully not for a while...

But then again, no-one's forcing me to leave the lands. So it's not really a dilemma...is it?

It's good to know that the Amazons are still thriving. We have some new members - evil ones like Vanity, and others I haven't met like Milana and Lucretia. I got the chance to talk to a potential member, Mai DeZarc. She was good to talk to, seemed to have her head screwed on properly and her heart in the right place. Her answers to my questions weren't completely satisfactory to me, but I got a gist of her personality and liked it. I think she would be a wonderful addition.

Though I wonder if I have the right to take part in choosing who joins the guild or not. I'll be out of lands often, due to my stubborn belief that Valorn is no good for me. But, y'know...I love the guild. I can't not love the guild. I remember back in the day when Asrai was leader, and I first joined...I loved it so much. Loved it more than I had loved any person - until Sephy, of course. And I still love it, even with the change of leaders and new members and the departures and absences of old.

So I do want to be an active part of the guild. Is that wrong of me? I hope not...y'know, I may be hurtful, stubborn, stupid, naive...but the one thing I'm not is a half-hearted Amazon. I am a full-hearted one. I'm still attempting to follow the Creed, but that's the fun of it, no? Developping into a true Amazon...

And when I think of all this, I realise just how much Valorn means to me. Almost.

That was....an immensely funny experience! Well, not really - it was a fairly painful one, but all the same, I can find myself laughing as I look back on it. For the first time in a long time, I pulled on my armour and brandished my staff before marching to the tombs. Well, actually, to be fair; I made a detour first. A cannon-ride, yes...I've missed that!

But anyway, I gathered a large collection of silver rings and amulets as I beat my way through the tombs, hoping ever so vaguely that a crystal guardian might pop up. No chance, of course. I passed the chest and spotted my destination - the stairway up into the twisted corridors. I hefted myself up the steps, tense with anticipation and adrenaline, filled with a strange satisfaction with fighting once again.

I went deeper than I had ever gone before; up several flights of steps, sometimes down, but then always up again. My staff didn't hesitate in bringing itself down on the unlucky heads of my opponents, and I unconsciously found myself smiling. No, I'm not a sick person. It's just...I haven't fought in a while, and it was pleasing to know that I still could.

I was surprised to see one of the decaying soldiers drop the tomb key. I shook my head to myself as I picked it up, wondering who had lost it this time. But I pocketed it and promised myself to open the chest and get that crystal ball for myself afterwards, though I don't need the amulet. I already have it. But I really liked that crystal ball...

Soon I found myself in unfamiliar territory. There were creatures here that I had never seen before, but I managed to beat them down, though their weapons managed to pierce my thin robes more often than the others. Somehow I felt more power begin to flow through my veins as each creature was beaten down. I went around the corridors once in a circle, got a bit confused, then found a small route I had missed and found myself in a room, with another flight of steps leading up...

Of course, when I went up there, I found a very powerful-looking creature. It reminded me greatly of the warrior statue I had seen earlier, and I suddenly wondered if this was the Scarab King that I had heard many people talk about. Of course, I stood no chance, but I could still deal damage. I managed a few cautious attacks, hoping to retreat once I was a bit too wounded to be safe. Yet, for all my devious plans, I couldn't even manage one retreat. I took a step back and found myself at the Life Monument in Kilican instead.

Very...amusing. I'll have to tell Sephy about this when he wakes. It was nice to fall asleep in his arms again, that night...

Either I have changed, or Valorn has. I'll stick with the former. I came back, unfamiliar with the reclaimed use of my bag of dust...powder...whatever I used to call it. Powder? Hmm...dunno. I came by in the ripped, muddy toga I had never changed out of, my hair's dirty as all N'rolav, I myself am dirty...course I got a new set of clothing, similar to the ones I came to the lands in...I'm not very comfortable with fancy stuff. You know that.

When I arrived in Dundee inn, Scooter was missing, so no-one really noticed me. That was good. I don't need people, y'know, paying too much attention. Only sis and Sephy know about all this anyway. Everyone else probably thinks I collapsed into some long sleep...well, okay, so my guildsisters knew about it, too...

I've changed a lot, y'know. It hurts me, as well as it hurts Seph. I'm confused. I've found me again, but in finding me I seem to be hurting others. Sis seems unaffected. I only wish I could say the same about Sephy...god, I snapped out at him. Hurled my pent-up anger at him. Then I come crawling back to him and apologise and kiss him and show him that I still love him...

But, y'know, nothing he can do is gonna make me stay here...I can't stay here...I don't trust here anymore. I'll visit frequently enough, y'know...course I will. I have too many people I care for here. But I've changed - I wish someone will understand that. This is who Ermin is. I'm not the bubbly girl I was when I first came, sure. But that irritatingly gentle, all-friendly Ermin isn't who I am. But I think that's the Ermin Sephy fell in love with, and...well...I dunno what to do.

I still love him, but truth is, I'm just a scarred, sunburnt, adolescent 'chantress who can't just change herself to suit other's needs...

Right?